Think Twice Before Making the First Move by @OnlineDateCoach

Women overall are less patient with the traditional ways of dating. More girls today are choosing to make the first move now, when it comes to dating, but that puts you at a real disadvantage if what you truly desire is a serious relationship.

Let’s face it, there are few guys who will turn down a date request from a you if you ask. Don’t believe me? Just ask any guy out there. As long as he’s not already involved with someone, he will probably say yes to your request. But be warned; if it’s a serious relationship you want, wait for the guy to make the first move.

Why more girls are choosing to make the first move

A career-minded, street savvy, go-getter kind of a girl (like myself), may feel empowered enough to step up into the spotlight and take the bull by the horns. I know when I like a guy, I don’t want to wait for him to ask me out. I’ve been taught when I want something I should go after it, with passion, and it’ll be mine. Right? No.

When it comes to dating, things don’t come easy. Sure there are plenty of ways you can back lead a guy into asking you out but if he’s not making the fist move, neither should you. It’s best when a guy feels like it was all his idea to ask you to go on a date–so don’t give away the chase.

Nowadays, when a girl decides she likes a guy, I find that most don’t want to wait around to see if he will pursue her. Women of today are more often choosing to take matters into their own hands and to do the asking themselves than to wait and see if the guy will eventually ask her.

I understand. I’ve been there too. But I can’t stress enough how important it is to hang in there and wait for the guy to ask you first. Every time I waited it out, I started to notice something…

The quality of the dates improve when the guy makes the first move

I still feel the urge to ask first sometimes but now I think twice before asking a guy out. It’s not easy but what I’ve found is every time I asked a guy out first, I was left with a bad feeling inside–I’ll never know if he ever really wanted to date me to begin with.  And that feeling lingers into, what if he was just trying to be nice by excepting my invitation? Oh my gosh, what does he think my intentions are with him now? And then that’s quickly followed up with, what did I just get myself into?

So what do I do to keep myself from making the first move? I remind myself, if a guy is truly interested in me, he will find a way to pursue me.  It sounds simple (and somewhat unexciting) but it’s true; a woman only needs to show some interest for a guy (who’s smitten with her) to see the green-light and start his pursuit. I repeat; show some interest and let the guy be the hunter.

Show him you’re interested and let him make the first move

If you’ve already dropped some hints to show your interest in a single guy and he hasn’t responded favorably, with an actual request to go out, it’s one of two things:

1) He’s not interested in dating you (for whatever reason)
2) He’s doesn’t have enough guts yet to ask you on a date

Either way, it’s not your problem to deal with or do anything about. Nor is it the end of the world for you by any means. Seriously, he may be doing you a favor by not asking.

Now I want to flip things around a little and provide you with an alternate perspective on this because it’s important. Say a guy thinks your great but he hasn’t asked you out because, unbeknown to you, he’s already seeing someone else and wouldn’t want to start something new with you while she’s still in the picture. Not too bad, right?  So we have a guy who’s trying to keep things friendly with you, for now, when you decide to take the lead and make a move on him first.

When you make the first move you eliminate the chase

You just presented an an opportunity for him to except or deny your invitation, even though technically he’s emotionally unavailable to you at this time. We’re going to ignore whether it’s right or wrong for him to except your offer now or not, because it’s irrelevant at this point–you just put yourself in an unfavorable position regarding your search for a serious relationship with him; you eliminated the chase.

Say he likes you. Perhaps he’s even thinking of kicking the other girl to the curb in order to get to know you better. By asking him out now–before he’s ready to ask you–places you into a whole new category for him and trust me, it’s not exactly the one you wished for. Plus if he does choose to be a jerk by excepting your invitation now, while he is still seeing the other girl, you may never know she even exists in his life. That’s not exactly an ideal start to a relationship you have high hopes for.

There are exceptions, of course, as there would be with any dating guideline. I’m sure there are many happy couples who started off with the girl making the first move. But if it’s a serious relationship you desire, you should invest time with guys who know what they want and know how to pursue you.

What subtle hints do you use to show a guy you’re interested?

How long can you hold out before asking a guy out first?

Ever date a guy and later found out he had a girlfriend already?

I want to hear about it. Please share your experience by leaving a comment below.

P.S. If you know someone who’s fed-up with dating, send them the link to this post.

 

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Brian May 20, 2012 at 10:14 pm

As I first started reading I disagreed because I’ve had great relationships with women who made the first made move (I’m in one right now).

I see your point though about not knowing if a guy truly liked you and was just being nice when accepting a date.

But the thing is, men RARELY go out in public with women who they dont see a s a ‘serious relationship prospect’. If a woman wants to know if its genuine, just ask to go a place that isn’t secluded. I hope women are deterred from making the first move. My fiance initiated the first date and everyday I make sure she doesn’t regret doing so.

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Online Date Coach May 25, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Hello Brian,

Thank you so much for your perspective and most valuable insight. I wish there were more men out there just like you; your fiancee certainly must have seen all the good qualities in you when she decided to make that move… and who could blame her :) I sincerely wish you both the very best!

But there are two things I want to point out:

1) There are many definitions for the word “relationship”–some can become serious and some are meant to be more casual in nature.
2) There are guys who “casually” go out with girls in public and aren’t interested in starting a “serious” relationship with anyone.

Women (hoping to find a good husband) need to know if the man who’s approaching them is interested in something more serious–how a girl is approached by a guy asking for a date can speak volumes about his true intentions with her, when interpreted correctly.

It’s my hunch, Brian, that you probably were already sending the right signals and your finance could see that you were interested in something more “serious” with her, otherwise she may not have ever made that first move. I’m glad she did though.

Best regards,
Kimberly
Online Date Coach

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Jacob April 7, 2013 at 7:35 pm

Um, this article makes absolutely Zero sense.
Absolute trash.
I could flip the coin and say, why should a guy ask a woman out first?
What if he asks her, and she said yes, just to be nice? How does he know that she really liked him?
See just reverse the Genders, and you have no way to justify the absolute trash you just spouted!

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Online Date Coach April 7, 2013 at 9:04 pm

Thanks for commenting. I appreciate your view on this.
There are two sides to each coin so let’s face it, men do not think the same as women do. A girl may agree to go on a date, when she’s not really interested, just to be polite. But on the other side of that coin, most guys would say yes to a girl who asks him on a date, not just to be polite, but also because he may be able to have sex with her. The situation could be very misleading for her, but in the bad kind of way. If you’re ever interested in some coaching, contact me anytime.

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betty April 11, 2013 at 1:20 am

hi so i like this guy that i go to class with at night we meet once a week and i already like we’ve been in the same class for months now and i couldnt help it i like him too much so i told myself to write to him and express myself and tell him how i feel well i did tell him in the letter now he knows and didn’t say anything now am lost i dont know if i should confront him or just let it go because after this we are never going to see each other and i want to talk to him but dont know how i mean i told him because i tought he felt the same way well he was sending me mixed sifnals now am lost help me please and i want to ask him to help with math but am afraid he’ll turn me down :(

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Online Date Coach April 12, 2013 at 2:05 pm

Hi, thanks for your message. I’m so sorry that he never responded to your letter.

If you wanted to see if he felt the same way, and since it sounds like he’s pretty good at math, one thing you could have done was to ask him for help with your math first (before sending a letter). Than you would see if he’s interested enough to take the time to help you. If not, no big deal… ask someone else for help than. I’m not a big fan of sending letters though.

How much longer is your class for?

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betty April 15, 2013 at 10:29 pm

uh not that long he’s taking the test before me and i wanted to ask him now and see if he can help but i dont know if he would help ?and i dont know how to ask him help

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Celine April 20, 2013 at 4:58 am

Hi this is a great article, I just like to ask what if both of us has showed each other green lights like smile, leaning closer being extra friendly with each other? And everytime I leave the guy would say its very nice to see you again Celine?

He hasn’t asked me out yet because of professional reason. I believe for him to make a move our professional relationship has to be lapsed first.

I will see him again in 2 weeks and after that it might be another 5 months. Mean while I like to stay in touch with him on a personal level. Is it ok to tell him I like his friendship and like to stay in touch and if he wants to swap contact details?

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Kristen September 14, 2013 at 5:11 am

So my Boss Karen, has a step son, whom I thought was going to be just another coworker…wrong! She left and asked for him to be placed in my department for what ever reason I don’t know. The first day I met him I was like, “oh there’s no sexual attraction at all, no need to worry about being unfocussed now.” Wrong!

I started to get to know him as a person and he’s pleasantly surprising! I took on a liking to him real quick even though he isn’t my type at all. He’s shorter than me, kind of bald with a reseeding hair line and he’s 38. Did I mention I’m only 24? … I’ve grown fond of him real quick, but I’m unsure how he feels…?

One day he was picking on me and said “would you rather everyone adore you?” I said “you know you secretly adore me”… just playing around and he said “I thought that was obvious.”…?!?!? Then the flirtation started, then the insight to our pasts came up, then the light touches on the arm and the “your so silly, or cute, or funny” started up. Then the texting started, and may I say it’s not cute texts. They are witty, edgy, feisty, almost mean, but enjoyable playful flirtexts…lol

And believe you, me, I’ve been dropping hints pretty obviously yet nothing is happening! When we work together it’s like I’m not there, he doesn’t give me the time of day sometimes.. he has been married twice and admitted that the younger one didn’t know what she wanted so it didn’t work. So I thing he may have a fear that my age will affect what I think could be a beautiful thing between us.

I’m a lot older mentally, though I know that sounds cheesy and cliché, but it’s true. The younger the guy the less we have in common. I like oldies and classic, vintage things. I’ve always been attracted to older men, and may I add when I met him he looks so young that I thought he was only 29-30 not 38. Though I don’t see the age at all, but I know he does, cause when he’s playing around with me, he always drops it in like I wont notice.

Like “maybe if you play nice, I’ll let you sit at the big kids table.” wtf is that?! And there was an oldies concert playing great music like Zapp, and Kool &the gang, digital underground, sugar hill gang yada yada yada…

I mentioned it he said “sounds cool, thanks!” but no invite then I said “so have you made any friends to go with yet?” (he just moved to town btw) He said “ya, plenty of older friends, old like me!” …. -___- I said “are you insinuating we can’t be friends because I’m not older…?” He said “I’m an equal opportunity friend!”

So I have no clue as to what he’s doing with me?! HELP? Is he really interested? toying with me? I feel like I’m using salt water bait on a fresh water fish over here! What should be my next move?

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asifa October 6, 2013 at 11:38 am

Hi. I just read this article and it makes a lot of sense. But i am in love with a guy who i see in the bus daily. I expressed my feelings to him over the phone. But he just told that he is not ready for any relationship right now. What should i do now?

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Lisa macallister January 21, 2014 at 12:00 pm

Well basically, i started a new school in september, And outside one of my lessons i always see this guy there. The thing is, he looks like hes from where im from but im not entirely sure. We always look at eachother so many times and quickly look away. Im 16 btw. And this has been happening since October and its now january. But recently im seeing him more and more around school, which is making me want him more. Like 2 months ago i walked past him and his friends and his friend shouted out omgg isn’t that the girl you told me about. Ever since
Then i thought okay, he must like me. Plus there was no one else there and im pretty sure he said that. But its been sooo long and im tired of waiting. I know u may think he doesn’t like me because its been soo long but we only really started looking at eachother like loads of times in the past few weeks. I think hes quite shy because whenever he walks past me in the hall he hides his face and after we look at eachother loads of times he turns his back and faces the other way. So ive been debating if i should go up to him, not to ask him out but just ask casually if hes from the country im from and then see what he says. And im hoping it will sprout a conversation and lead to him asking me out. Or shall i wait till he comes up to me??? I wouldn’t ask him out though, i just want to talk to him first because all we do is look at each other! I don’t even know his name!! Help what shall i do????

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Kisha May 19, 2014 at 6:53 pm

This was a great read. I’m not too sure if you’ll respond to this, but I’d like to know your take on this.

I met a someone while shooting an indie film, he is perfectly “my type”. He flirted with me often but i had my eyes set on someone else so I never fed into it. Fast forward, the other guy and I never worked out and it was free game when “my type” and I ended up at the same party. We hung out, he complimented me and then it stopped. Months later he sent a text to me on his birthday reading…”Happy b-day to me”…I wasn’t sure why he text me that, so i called and asked if it was his birthday. Once he confirmed, I invited him out for a drink since he said he was studying for an exam. He agreed and ended up buying me a drink, and I paid for his pizza : ) … we ended up dancing the night away. It was real fairytale-ish…Fastforward again, and we ended up at a friends get together and danced the night away there, watched a movie and even fell asleep on each other : ) …I told him I’d like to hang out again, and he told me he would like to…but…he had to let me know he was talking to someone else. After he mentioned that, he asked if I would still like to hang out and I told him no. My feelings are already involved (because I happen to be a woman) and now I feel pretty stuck. Your thoughts?

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R0nin September 5, 2014 at 4:10 am

I met a man on eharmony.com, I made the first move because he looked great and his bio’s great. To make the story short, I offered my email then he asked for my number. He texted me immediately. We got along great, in my opinion. We texted into the early morning and continued to the next day. The subject was from likes to dislikes. We made plans to meet in person. Then the third day, his comments become one word responses (in our previous texts I told him I prefer honesty, candid questions and answers.) to sometimes no response at all. I don’t question him because he may be dealing with his own crises or issues that I am not privy to. The following day, same short or no response at all again. I asked if we were done talking. He said “no”. Then I texted, “You confuse me”. He says “ok”. So I told him “to have a good rest of the week. He has my number. Bye”. He then responds by saying…that he thought we were still going to see each other like we planed.
I’m so confused! If you think I’m an idiot…please say so!

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Sally December 16, 2014 at 1:21 am

This is BS…honestly what kind of advice are you dishing out in this day and age? I have been asked out numerous times and it was a waste of time. So, why not make the first move myself? If a gentleman is going to like you he will…if not playing these stupid mind games is just that…stupid! Grow up and see the light. Dating is not what is once was, and it is never easy who asks first.

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Ivy January 18, 2015 at 7:42 am

Thanks for the article. Im kinda agree with what you are writing. I met my crush 5 years ago and Im quite sure we like each other. We sending mixed signals and there’s time I want to tell him what I feel towards him. But since he wasn’t do the first move, there are so many doubts in me especially when he know nothing about me, and not even care to ask how im doing right now over the phone or online. We just talk over and get friendly when we met face to face and it also really rare for us to meet up.

I have a bad experience with my ex before. I told him first how I feel but after 2 months we are together, he end up telling me he likes another girl and I feel regret of making the first. Some man don’t realise that they accept woman out of pity but they consider as falling in love, when the time goes by, they start feeling bored and tend to dump us woman.

I think its ok for us woman to make the first move if you found someone that really treat you nicely and he have a good personality and kind, even though he do not like you. Good guys is worth to chase for even though they rejecting us. Coz if u get good guys to be in your serious relationship, youll find happiness with them even for a short time.

Just remember, trust yourself, make a lil research about the guy you wanna confess to. If its suffer so much even before you make the first move, you should reconsider your decision to do it. Love yourself, dont live in denial, if hes nice to you, go for it, if hes not, just move on. If you love yourself, youll love someone that will love you equally.

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Confused lady July 16, 2015 at 8:46 am

Hi, i met a guy online via instagram, so we spoke online briefly discovered we are practically neighbours and exchanged numbers. I let him know i am not a cheap / slutty girl so he didnt get the wrong impression. He also expressed he was not looking for a hook up or anything. We talk on the phone casually, he always aclls me every alternate day, i have never initiated contact, i simply mirror his behavior. He calls, i call back. He texts i text back. I am single mother and he is single and we are both 30 and busy working. Its been almost 2 months of him calling, now its reduced to maybe one call every 2 /3 days. I will not ask him out as i read your artcile and want to follow your advice. He will ask me if he wants to see me. We have never met and he seems to always flirt and say positive things on the phone. I keep conversations short and sweet. But i dont know why he hasnt asked to see me. Not even for a coffee. Im starting to think he may be in a relationship. But why call me? Any ideas. Should i say something to him or leave it be. Thank you! Clueless single mother, back on the dating market and lost!!

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Online Date Coach July 16, 2015 at 6:25 pm

Thanks for writing and sharing your situation. It’s tough to get back into the dating scene, especially today. Unfortunately, this sort of thing is very common. My first thought was, yes, he might be in a relationship or even married and looking for a phone companion. You can always try googling him or doing an email search to see if you can learn more. If you like things as they are, don’t do anything different, but if you’re looking for more let him know. Keep it simple. You’re right not to ask him out, for many reasons… But if he won’t iniciate a meet up, I say ignore his text messages. Too many men want to take the easy road and have the girl do the chasing. It never ends up the way you want. If he wants to have some thing real, a date is the next step. Stand your ground and find what you deserve in life. Feel free to email me with an update onlinedatecoach@gmail.com

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